i jhust puked up my retainher.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
