I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
