Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
