You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
