So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think my moral compass just broke
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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