bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
