I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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