Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
