Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
And then he peed in my hair
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
