My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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