Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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