do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
