Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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