Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
