Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need water and some morals
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
