Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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