help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
