If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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