Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
