I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
