He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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