he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
