it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
