Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
