dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
