You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
