but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize