hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
