you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
