note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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