She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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