I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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