On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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