What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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