I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you win again, gameday.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
