??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
