I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
