I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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