she looked like the before picture.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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