Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
