Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
