i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
