Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
one might say we're banned from that church
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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