So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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