i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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