So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
