it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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