:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize