Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
