i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
