My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All the doctor said was why
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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