Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it hurts more in the daytime
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
