So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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