Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
