listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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