Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
