i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
