This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
