sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
